Better just read the cliff notes on this one

**Since this is so long, here are the cliff notes, for those of you like me who have ADD, I mean a hard time reading long boring things:
Orgasm, Pregnant for like a minute, and Slug Mullet. That is really all you need to know**

So the whole reason I have a blog is so I can write my thoughts. My feelings. About what is happening in my life. If I am not being honest with myself, than I really feel this blog is pointless. I have no desire to write about niceties. I don’t want to smile and make fake. That is not who I am. That is never who I will be.
Something has been going on with me personally that I haven’t shared except with two people other than my husband. And I really want to share about it. I am just nervous to do so. I am nervous about the phone calls afterwards. I don’t want to talk about it. I want to write about it, and then it’s done. Over with. I don’t need to talk. I just did.
Basically.
It isn’t a dark deep secret, but it is something I have never experienced and sharing it makes me nervous. I feel like maybe I am admitting defeat. I am being most vulnerable. I am not shy about much.
I have implants.
I am on my second marriage.
I had a promiscuous part in my life between two husbands.
My first orgasm? I gave it to myself.
See I don’t have a lot to hide. I believe every step we take leads us to who we become. Have I done some really stupid stuff in my past? Hell yes. Will I continue to stumble though life? Of course I will. I have a big mouth and I am awkward. I will always stumble. But I am who I am and make no excuses for the person that I am.
But there is one issue I keep very private. And that is the issue of wanting another baby. Maybe because it is funnier to say “hell no” to more kids. Maybe it is from the time I was pregnant with Andi and it was finally visible and an older woman at church said to me “Oh my dear, are you pregnant?” I beamed “Yes!” and she said, “Oh my, how scary.” I just looked at her like I had been stabbed and walked away. Yes I am scared! Of course I am scared! I didn’t plan this baby, but she is growing daily in my stomach. She is a part of me and I love her. So yes anyone anywhere having a baby is scary, but do we really have to say that? I know I have a severely disabled daughter and we have NO CLUE why she is who she is. I know this very same thing can happen again. I know. I know. I know! But let’s hope it doesn’t. Pray it doesn’t and well, if it does. It isn’t the end of the world.
So just by mentioning a couple weeks ago the whole stuff about Andrew and Dr. Oz was monumental to me. You all might still be reeling from the whole orgasm thing, but hey to each their own. The whole “let’s make another baby” thing is way bigger, way deeper, way more sharing than anything else I could talk about.
So after sharing all that, let’s go back a couple weeks ok.
Andrew and I have decided to make one last ditch effort in having a boy. And we are going for it… wait let’s go back a year ago real quickly. Last year we decided this. I was still nursing Andi so that could have been the problem, but my period was on time monthly. I was charting, temping and ovulating monthly yet no baby. We did this for 6 months. Then I threw away the thermometer. We said, “let’s just see if it happens” although, when you were already tying, you know when you need to get busy. You just know too much after all that. It kinda takes all the mystery out of getting pregnant. It was so much easier with the girls and it just happening. Andi, totally not even trying.
So it still never happened. Then August I got sick. The sickest I had ever been in my life ever! I was in bed a week. I was constantly vomiting, I had the worst headache I had ever experienced and my husband wasn’t a huge load of help. We were in a much different place last year. I would admit that to being our worst year in our relationship. I am sure the baby didn’t happen, because it wasn’t supposed to at that time in our marriage. So when I got sick and I still had to get Lily ready for school. And Andi was around a lot wanting me to hold her and so on, I vowed I was done with kids, I couldn’t imagine myself having another baby while dealing with that sickness. Andrew thought I was just depressed and needed to get out of bed. I physically couldn’t. It took me over a month to feel 100% and those feelings stayed with me for a while. I decided since I was still anti child it was time to get an IUD. I was not 100% sure about that decision, but I just thought it was the right thing to do. I was so upset with my body for not getting pregnant I thought this was a sure way to say f-u to the whole thing and I got an IUD.
Well that was awful! My periods were outrageous! I gave it four periods to see if it would get better and on my fourth period it was so heavy, the blood was pouring out and there were huge clots and I was looking online at what exactly an IUD is. A minute late, dollar short I know. But I was reading some thoughts that you still can conceive but your uterus doesn’t let the embryo implant and therefore causes a miscarriage. Well I was sure that was what was happening and I was just sick over it. I don’t know if that was the real case or not, but that made me sad. I was under the impression an IUD is like a spermicide, and reading that really bothered me.
Now I am not getting into a pro life, pro-choice argument. I would never tell a person what to do with their body, neither should our government, but in my heart if that is what an IUD is doing then I am totally against that. For me. So in addition to hating my periods, hating what I had read and realizing I want another baby. I don’t want an IUD to kill it. I called my OB and said, “Take it out!” and he did.
So now here we are a couple weeks ago. I have never loved my husband more than now. We are in the most amazing relationship. I still can’t believe it all started in a nightclub. I will never believe that. I found the most amazing person, drunk in a smoky club.
But here we are, where we should have been when we were first decided to have a baby, but now here we are, wanting a third child, a boy if possible. Not that I would mind one iota if we had another girl, I actually think I would prefer it, but we do have a great boy named picked out and I would love to see Andrew with his very own son.
So Easter Sunday morning, with the help of Little Bill and huge chocolate bunnies to keep the girls occupied, I really thought we made our boy. While smiling, and crying through The Color Purple, I thought my son was on his way to the oven. Wouldn’t that be great, conceiving Easter Sunday? Well either great or sacrilegious, you decide.
So come last Wednesday and my boobs are sore, I am thinking, yes, we did it. Then some slight waves of uneasiness come to my tummy and I am sure this is it. Although my period wasn’t due until anywhere from Friday to Sunday (my cycles vary from 28-30 days) I got those First Response Early Detection pregnancy tests and waited until Thursday morning to test.
Thursday morning used my first morning pee and what did I see? Two lines! We did it! We did it! We did it! Yay! (Dora anyone?)
Excited, but knowing it is way to early I only showed Andrew. Being thrifty I bought a three pack and decided to see if daily it got darker. I was excited, but also that morning I had other major issues happening so I was distraught and upset and those two lines got pushed to the back burner.
Friday I tested, not darker. About the same. Well it is still too early. Two lines! Yay!
Saturday, not darker. About the same. Is it still too early? Two lines. Yay, maybe?
I bought another test since I needed to know.
Sunday, not only not darker, but much much fainter. My stomach drops. It is not too early. Two lines, fading. Not good. I still call and leave a message with my OB explaining that I am neurotic and want to get blood work.
Shouldn’t have called. Sunday night I start having cramps and my period comes. Devastated. My period came.
My period came after 4 positive pregnancy tests.
4.
I called Monday morning left another message to my OB saying never mind. He called me back still wanting blood work. He said come in on Monday, if I don’t call you Tuesday assume it was positive and come back on Wednesday to see if your numbers are doubling. I go in. No call Tuesday, although I am still bleeding. Very strange period. Light. Much lighter than ever before. And short. It is almost over after only 4 days. But I am no dummy, I knew it was over. I did one last ditch digital test Wednesday and it said Not Pregnant you idiot you are on your period. I could have settled just for the Not Pregnant.
So here I am one week after all this started. Bummed, but ok. I just wish the Dr. would call and confirm that I had an early miscarriage. I know. I can’t believe it. I know they happen to almost everyone. I just never wanted to be everyone.
I also know had I waited until my period was indeed late, like really late I would have never known. But I just knew it. Damn those early detection tests.
It is ok. I don’t need hugs. I don’t need to talk about this. It isn’t like I had a nursery planned. We will keep trying. But this was just heavily on my mind all week and I wanted to share.
The good news is since I am being dragged to a Nascar race this Saturday and I know that in order for me to play slug mullet I will need beer. And lots of it. So it is probably better than I don’t have to go through that sober.
We will continue to try and besides the due date would have been around Christmas break that would have been tough. So yes it was a bummer to get excited and to have been let down. But we will try again. I am talking about it and will continue to do so.
It is scary to try again. It is scary to admit to be trying. But it is something we both want and will be happy to welcome into our lives.
Wow. This took over an hour to write. I don’t know if you will all get through it and maybe that is for the best. Just read the cliff notes.