Heartbreak Kid

So I had my heart broken this weekend by someone I least expected it from. Someone whom I knew could do it, but it has been so long. Someone selfish and inconsiderate. Someone whom I love and someone whom I hate. Myself.
I broke my own heart. The old me came back and hurt the new me.
My selfishness tried to overtake who I have become and because she almost won I was hurt.
We had busy plans this past Saturday. A pumpkin carving/painting party and then a dress up birthday party. It was a lot to pack into a late afternoon/early evening. Andi has decided naps are for babies and I knew there was no way I could get her to lay down before we headed out. Lily started her runny nose business and I was concerned I would be wiping it all day while dealing with a cranky Andi. So I decided I would just leave Lily at home with her dad. I decided getting her in and out of the car, finding a place to change her diaper and finding appropriate foods to feed her and give her meds while at two different places was too much for me to handle and I decided Lily should miss out on the fun. That my 5 year old daughter was too much work and she had to miss out on kid parties. So feeling a bit guilty, but planning on sticking to this plan I told Andrew, can you stay home with Lily?
He said you aren't taking her? That isn't fair? She wants to go. I got pissed instead of understanding and yelled it's too much work and then stood there. I stood, and just stayed there. Then the flood of guilt covered me and I cried. And I cried and I cried some more. Andrew saw me, hugged me and asked what was wrong and I cried.... I don't want her to be different. I don't want her to be a challenge. I want her to run to the car, to buckle herself up. I want to have intelligible conversations with my daughter. It isn't fair. I don't want to have to find places to change my 5 years old diaper. I don't, I don't, I don't! And I most of all don't want to not include her b/c she can't do all that. I was so pissed with myself for wanting to take the easy way out. Take the mobile kid, Lily won't know. But regardless of if Lily would know or not. I knew. I know.
So I asked Andrew to go with me and he did, we carpooled with Kim and Joey and we had a good time. At both places. I have to appreciate Kim, tell it like it is, one of the greatest things to have happened to me is the growth of our friendship this past year. She gets in my car, I am late and I say, "sorry minor breakdown, I was upset that I didn't want to bring Lily" And she said "good". It was good that I was so upset. It means I know better and will continue to be better.
I am so thankful that my husband showed me who I WAS and who I am NOW. I am so thankful that he showed me I was wrong. I am thankful that I am not who I was and I pray it will be years before she tries to resurface.
I still struggle with my cards dealt. This is hard to admit. I am supposed to put on a smile and say it is all meant to be. But some days I don't want to smile. I don't want to have a different family, but not wanting something doesn't mean anything. I know what I need to do and I will continue to do so. So I am so sorry Lily. You aren't a burden and I promise to do my best to never let you feel like one.