On Facebook I always update my status and this is one I was thinking of doing but wasn't sure if many would understand.
This is my status today:
Sad that Andi Jane's husband broke two bones, glad that he has no cavities, sad that he is in Africa and Andi Jane has to fly there to be with him, happy that Andi Jane is 31 and now older than me and sad that her husband is 77.
And very happy to have a child with an imagination like that.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
16 and Pregnant
There is a show on MTV called 16 and Pregnant. It appears if you want to be on MTV you have to be poor from the south and pregnant (16 of course) or super rich from the south having a big party. But that is neither here nor there.
So I was discussing with Kibberts the show and she said "they act like the baby is a doll or something". I said "yeah they really don't make it look that hard so now other kids will think I can do that, what they really need is a follow up show called 18 with a toddler, now that would scare them all out of having sex".
At least have them practice a little better birth control.
So I was discussing with Kibberts the show and she said "they act like the baby is a doll or something". I said "yeah they really don't make it look that hard so now other kids will think I can do that, what they really need is a follow up show called 18 with a toddler, now that would scare them all out of having sex".
At least have them practice a little better birth control.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
On the mend
"Hi! I'm Sara! My owners gave me up to a shelter. The shelter sent me to a foster home. Now I am living with these people who have a fun little girl who sits at my level on the floor. Another little girl that wants me to follow her all around the house and a baby that likes to grab my ears. The mom and dad let me snuggle in their bed with them. I think I am going to like it here"
Monday, June 22, 2009
So proud!
I don't think I could be any more proud of my daughter and her artistic abilities! I went to open her side of the back seat and noticed she used a stamp. all. over. the. roof. of. our. tahoe.
These are moments that make my heart burst in pride.
These are moments that make my heart burst in pride.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Growing up sucks
It was 7 years this past April Hailey came into our lives. Andrew and I were newlyweds and I was pregnant with Lily. Thru a friend of family we heard about a family who was moving and needed to find a home for their dog. We didn’t have a picture, we knew practically nothing. Just a nice dog needed a good home. We met up with them and they told us she had pizza so she was good on food for the night and they also sent a blanket with us that smelt like them and we promised to take good care of her (and said to each other on the way home, to never feed her pizza for dinner again).
Hailey was certainly not the best looking dog. We have no idea what type of dog she actually was. She was black with brown on her face and could catch a bird like no ones business so we knew she was some type of hunting dog. She also always had really long claws that she would never let us trim. Hailey was a 4 years old when she came to live with us.
Hailey became our baby. She was house trained and sweet natured. She loved her food and loved to be where ever I was.
Our first home was in a bad part of town, but our house was cute, our lawn was huge and we had the awesome experience of having neighbors with chickens…and no coop. But one too many chickens made it into our yard and when they didn’t return, thanks to Hailey, the neighbors finally got a coop.
Hailey took to Lily right away. She was very protective of Lily and would be very cautious of all the people who came into our home to work with her. She would sit right there, right next to the therapist and Lily and it was as if she was saying “I dare you to make one wrong move with her”.
We have had other dogs along side of Hailey, but they never worked out. We had a pug that had to go to pug rescue when we couldn’t get him to stop peeing on any and everything, especially where Lily was lying. Andrew brought home a puppy he found on a construction site that was eating us out of a home so I found a good family for him. We had the insane puggle whom was a huge pain in the butt, but we did love her. Lily’s nurse kept letting her out when Lily’s bus came and she’d run out. I kept saying please don’t let her out and she just couldn’t be firm with her and she ran out every day. One day I came home and I asked where she was, she said she ran out. When I realized it had been a while I went looking for her and couldn’t find her. We did what we could to find her and she was gone. It was very frustrating and sad to have lost her and I will microchip any dog we get absolutely from now on, no question about it. It is so hard to find that right fit with your family and Hailey was that fit. There was no forcing with her. She just fit.
Hailey was a healthy dog who rarely needed to be seen by the vet, but by the time she hit about 10 (we never knew her birthday) she started showing signs of arthritis. We had a big work up on her and she was full of it. She started pain meds and anti inflammatory’s, she seemed like a different dog medicated. I still remember so clearly taking her up to Greer this past Thanksgiving. She seemed 5 years younger up there. She was so happy. She was so lively. I will cherish those memories. We had planned on taking her with us this July, but that won’t be happening.
A couple months ago Lily’s music therapist came over and Hailey went crazy, that was Hailey’s one flaw, she would bark and run around whenever someone came over, and with Lily we have people in our home almost daily. Well this time she was running and then just fell over. She got up and fell over again. She then got up and looked really dizzy. I thought it was a seizure. And knowing seizures I didn’t want her to be medicated if they were infrequent. Unfortunately it started happening once a week. Although I put one and one together with the excitement and then passing out, I still thought they were seizures. Seizures really aren’t that damaging and I wish that were all those episodes were. It was like this for a month or so, she’d have these episodes once a week, then all of a sudden they were daily and then she’d loose her bladder. And this was so not Hailey. She was coughing a lot and had no energy. I looked up online her symptoms and found that it was heart failure most likely and I knew I needed to take her to the vet, I was scared to. She went downhill and fast and she would just lie on the floor sprawled out and would breath heavy. It got to the point where I would hold my breath whenever someone came over because I knew she would faint. On Thursday I watched her see the pool guy, let two barks out and she just fell over. It was that point I knew I had to take her in. I just sat with her and hugged her and cried. I just knew I wouldn’t bring her home with me. I made her appointment for Friday and asked Andrew to pick up Lily from school, I dropped Andi off at my bestie Kim’s and I took Oliver with me. I put the leash on Hailey and walked her to the car. She couldn’t make it to the car, it was too much and when I went to put her in the car she passed out. She peed all over herself and my neighbor was outside at the time. He laughed at first, he thought she didn’t want to get in the car, but when he realized what happened he apologized and offered to help. We rinsed her off and he picked her up and put her in my car. She used to fight anyone who even touched her back because of her arthritis, but she didn’t say a thing.
I walked her in and she got on the scale and she had lost 6 lbs in 5 months. And remember, this dog loved food. I knew she was loosing weight, even Andi said “mom, Hailey is shrinking” I just didn’t realize she had lost that much.
I told the vet her symptoms; she listened to her and basically said if we did everything they could do it would only buy a little time, if we were lucky. She said she is suffering and strongly recommended us put her down. I was a blubbering mess from then on. She said we could take her home for the weekend and bring her back. I couldn’t do that though. I knew she couldn’t handle the trip back and forth again and I don’t think I could watch her suffer all weekend and I couldn’t look at her knowing what was around the corner. I said we can just do it now. They gave me some time with her and I told her that she was the best dog I had ever known and I loved her and would miss her immensely. They came back and asked if I wanted to be with her and I said yes. I called Andrew and he said “no not now” and I said “it has to be now”. The vet and tech were very sweet and I just looked her in the eye and I rubbed her head over and over until she fell asleep and then she peacefully passed. It was peaceful. It was time for her to go, but it was awful. One of the other techs had Oliver in the other room so I could be with Hailey and I was thankful for that. I sent Andrew a text and I wrote “she’s gone” but my phone came up with “home” when I wrote “gone” and I thought, well that is fitting. She is finally at home. She is at peace. She can breathe.
Coming home has really been the biggest struggle for me. Andrew and I hugged and cried. We talked about it and he was as upset as I was. He went to get Andi from Kim’s and talked with her about it. I was home with Lily and talked to her. I looked around the house and every place I looked, I thought of her. Her corner in the living room. Her food dish. The sliding glass door she went thru to go outside. Right now I write this from my bed and she should be right by my side of the bed at my feet. She should be here and she isn’t. I sit her and breathe like a baby who can’t catch her breath after crying. The tears won’t stop. My nose is running. I’ve been like this since yesterday at 2pm. I still can’t talk about it. I am absolutely devastated and I just want to throw up. I want our dog back and I just can’t help but think that if I am this devastated over our dog, how can a person survive the loss of their child?
I know this is incredibly long and sad and I don’t care if anyone reads this or the entire world reads it. I just had to write about our dog, our baby before our babies, Hailey. She didn’t have the personality of Marley. She wasn’t mischievous. She was mellow. She was kind hearted. She was loyal. She was everything a dog owner could ask for and I don’t know if we will ever be that lucky again. We’ve had other dogs come and go, but none has ever been like Hailey, I doubt none will ever be like her again.
We love you Hailey. You were the best dog ever and you gave our family a great 7 years and I am thankful to your first family for giving you to us. We enjoyed every bit of you.
Hailey was certainly not the best looking dog. We have no idea what type of dog she actually was. She was black with brown on her face and could catch a bird like no ones business so we knew she was some type of hunting dog. She also always had really long claws that she would never let us trim. Hailey was a 4 years old when she came to live with us.
Hailey became our baby. She was house trained and sweet natured. She loved her food and loved to be where ever I was.
Our first home was in a bad part of town, but our house was cute, our lawn was huge and we had the awesome experience of having neighbors with chickens…and no coop. But one too many chickens made it into our yard and when they didn’t return, thanks to Hailey, the neighbors finally got a coop.
Hailey took to Lily right away. She was very protective of Lily and would be very cautious of all the people who came into our home to work with her. She would sit right there, right next to the therapist and Lily and it was as if she was saying “I dare you to make one wrong move with her”.
We have had other dogs along side of Hailey, but they never worked out. We had a pug that had to go to pug rescue when we couldn’t get him to stop peeing on any and everything, especially where Lily was lying. Andrew brought home a puppy he found on a construction site that was eating us out of a home so I found a good family for him. We had the insane puggle whom was a huge pain in the butt, but we did love her. Lily’s nurse kept letting her out when Lily’s bus came and she’d run out. I kept saying please don’t let her out and she just couldn’t be firm with her and she ran out every day. One day I came home and I asked where she was, she said she ran out. When I realized it had been a while I went looking for her and couldn’t find her. We did what we could to find her and she was gone. It was very frustrating and sad to have lost her and I will microchip any dog we get absolutely from now on, no question about it. It is so hard to find that right fit with your family and Hailey was that fit. There was no forcing with her. She just fit.
Hailey was a healthy dog who rarely needed to be seen by the vet, but by the time she hit about 10 (we never knew her birthday) she started showing signs of arthritis. We had a big work up on her and she was full of it. She started pain meds and anti inflammatory’s, she seemed like a different dog medicated. I still remember so clearly taking her up to Greer this past Thanksgiving. She seemed 5 years younger up there. She was so happy. She was so lively. I will cherish those memories. We had planned on taking her with us this July, but that won’t be happening.
A couple months ago Lily’s music therapist came over and Hailey went crazy, that was Hailey’s one flaw, she would bark and run around whenever someone came over, and with Lily we have people in our home almost daily. Well this time she was running and then just fell over. She got up and fell over again. She then got up and looked really dizzy. I thought it was a seizure. And knowing seizures I didn’t want her to be medicated if they were infrequent. Unfortunately it started happening once a week. Although I put one and one together with the excitement and then passing out, I still thought they were seizures. Seizures really aren’t that damaging and I wish that were all those episodes were. It was like this for a month or so, she’d have these episodes once a week, then all of a sudden they were daily and then she’d loose her bladder. And this was so not Hailey. She was coughing a lot and had no energy. I looked up online her symptoms and found that it was heart failure most likely and I knew I needed to take her to the vet, I was scared to. She went downhill and fast and she would just lie on the floor sprawled out and would breath heavy. It got to the point where I would hold my breath whenever someone came over because I knew she would faint. On Thursday I watched her see the pool guy, let two barks out and she just fell over. It was that point I knew I had to take her in. I just sat with her and hugged her and cried. I just knew I wouldn’t bring her home with me. I made her appointment for Friday and asked Andrew to pick up Lily from school, I dropped Andi off at my bestie Kim’s and I took Oliver with me. I put the leash on Hailey and walked her to the car. She couldn’t make it to the car, it was too much and when I went to put her in the car she passed out. She peed all over herself and my neighbor was outside at the time. He laughed at first, he thought she didn’t want to get in the car, but when he realized what happened he apologized and offered to help. We rinsed her off and he picked her up and put her in my car. She used to fight anyone who even touched her back because of her arthritis, but she didn’t say a thing.
I walked her in and she got on the scale and she had lost 6 lbs in 5 months. And remember, this dog loved food. I knew she was loosing weight, even Andi said “mom, Hailey is shrinking” I just didn’t realize she had lost that much.
I told the vet her symptoms; she listened to her and basically said if we did everything they could do it would only buy a little time, if we were lucky. She said she is suffering and strongly recommended us put her down. I was a blubbering mess from then on. She said we could take her home for the weekend and bring her back. I couldn’t do that though. I knew she couldn’t handle the trip back and forth again and I don’t think I could watch her suffer all weekend and I couldn’t look at her knowing what was around the corner. I said we can just do it now. They gave me some time with her and I told her that she was the best dog I had ever known and I loved her and would miss her immensely. They came back and asked if I wanted to be with her and I said yes. I called Andrew and he said “no not now” and I said “it has to be now”. The vet and tech were very sweet and I just looked her in the eye and I rubbed her head over and over until she fell asleep and then she peacefully passed. It was peaceful. It was time for her to go, but it was awful. One of the other techs had Oliver in the other room so I could be with Hailey and I was thankful for that. I sent Andrew a text and I wrote “she’s gone” but my phone came up with “home” when I wrote “gone” and I thought, well that is fitting. She is finally at home. She is at peace. She can breathe.
Coming home has really been the biggest struggle for me. Andrew and I hugged and cried. We talked about it and he was as upset as I was. He went to get Andi from Kim’s and talked with her about it. I was home with Lily and talked to her. I looked around the house and every place I looked, I thought of her. Her corner in the living room. Her food dish. The sliding glass door she went thru to go outside. Right now I write this from my bed and she should be right by my side of the bed at my feet. She should be here and she isn’t. I sit her and breathe like a baby who can’t catch her breath after crying. The tears won’t stop. My nose is running. I’ve been like this since yesterday at 2pm. I still can’t talk about it. I am absolutely devastated and I just want to throw up. I want our dog back and I just can’t help but think that if I am this devastated over our dog, how can a person survive the loss of their child?
I know this is incredibly long and sad and I don’t care if anyone reads this or the entire world reads it. I just had to write about our dog, our baby before our babies, Hailey. She didn’t have the personality of Marley. She wasn’t mischievous. She was mellow. She was kind hearted. She was loyal. She was everything a dog owner could ask for and I don’t know if we will ever be that lucky again. We’ve had other dogs come and go, but none has ever been like Hailey, I doubt none will ever be like her again.
We love you Hailey. You were the best dog ever and you gave our family a great 7 years and I am thankful to your first family for giving you to us. We enjoyed every bit of you.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Alone time....please
When I complained to Andrew that I can't even go poop alone I had no idea what was about to come.
I have been running like a chicken with his head cut off lately. We have been going to Dr. apts, therapy (Lily, not me, although I think I need it), last week we had VBS which I volunteered to watch the leaders babies so I could stay with Ollie. This week is summer school for Lily. Nice break but I have to take her back and forth and since she is now 55 lbs and 50" it is getting harder and harder. Did I mention we moved horse therapy to 6am on Mondays? I really need an adaptive vehicle for her. Size Mediums at Target are all of a sudden waaay too tight for her. You know the next size up? A 9/10! A freaking 9/10 for my almost 7 year old. She is ginormous!!!!
So in all my efforts to get the kids where they need to be. I had to squeeze in an appointment with my gyno. I forgot to mention getting Andi to gymnastics, she starts dance this week and next week she has gymnastics summer camp, again nice break for me but it is squeezed in the middle of dropping off and picking up Lily. So not really a break. Especially with Ollie who likes to remind me of his dislike of the car seat constantly.
So when I realized I had a gyno appointment yesterday I thought I would be able to drop A and O off at the office (my old place of work) to either daddy or grandma, whom of which neither were there. I had to go to plan B. I didn't want to leave them with my aunt or sister since I knew they were busy and besides I don't feel like I am imposing when it is the kids dad or grandma, but I know my kids can be a huge pain in the rear so I do feel like I am imposing when it isn't someone who HAS to love them. Aunts love can quite possibly be less unconditional. Anyway I was scrambling since Oliver isn't in an infant seat anymore. Not after the airlines lost ours. We used Andi's old seat and he hates it less than the infant seat so even though we got our seat back, plus a $50 voucher, we are keeping him in the car seat. Only minus, I no longer have a "baby holder", I don't carry a stroller in the car with me since I only have room for Lily's wheelchair so I was thinking ok, baby on lap while legs in stirrups? Probably not. I start calling around, I call Allison, she lives by the Dr. She wasn't home BUT her hubby was and I could borrow her daughters infant seat! Score! I run by grab that seat, and pull up to the Dr.'s office.
I shamefully walk in. I just know people are saying, she is pregnant again? I want a shirt that says "I'm just here for a pap". It was 30 minutes after my scheduled apt and we are still in the waiting room. Oliver has had it and is hungry. I start to nurse him, and just like going to the bathroom while out to eat and your dinner comes, the nurse calls my name. I have to take him off my boob and boy that wasn't cool with him. So I have this screaming baby. Oh did I mention Andi starts telling me how she HAS TO POOP NOW! The nurse holds Oliver while I weigh myself. I cough out the number to her just so no one over hears that I am 4 months post partum and still have weight to loose. I get Andi to the bathroom, and she wasn't kidding, she really had to go. I get to my room. I put Ollie down in the infant seat while I get naked and he screams. The Dr. comes in. Ollie screams. I get into position. Ollie screams. It was fantabulous fun! The Dr. asks me what I am doing about birth control and I just point to my kids and say "that". Dr. laughs, asks "seriously", since you can tell he'd rather me not procreate ever again as well, I said daddy got taken care of so we're good. He said we need to make sure it took though and have his sperm tested. Ok, I promise, I will not walk into this office again carrying a baby in my tummy ever again. Scouts honor. The Dr. really was patient and awesome and he is really the reason I had Oliver. I just wanted to spend the next nine months bs'ing about life with him. Not really, but kind of. Let me know if you want a referal. He really is that good.
But let me just say that whole experience really taught me that, while no I can't poo alone, I can't be violated by my Dr. alone either. I had to look over at wide eyed Andi and say "this is only ok because he is a Dr."
Sigh....I need a massage....alone!
I have been running like a chicken with his head cut off lately. We have been going to Dr. apts, therapy (Lily, not me, although I think I need it), last week we had VBS which I volunteered to watch the leaders babies so I could stay with Ollie. This week is summer school for Lily. Nice break but I have to take her back and forth and since she is now 55 lbs and 50" it is getting harder and harder. Did I mention we moved horse therapy to 6am on Mondays? I really need an adaptive vehicle for her. Size Mediums at Target are all of a sudden waaay too tight for her. You know the next size up? A 9/10! A freaking 9/10 for my almost 7 year old. She is ginormous!!!!
So in all my efforts to get the kids where they need to be. I had to squeeze in an appointment with my gyno. I forgot to mention getting Andi to gymnastics, she starts dance this week and next week she has gymnastics summer camp, again nice break for me but it is squeezed in the middle of dropping off and picking up Lily. So not really a break. Especially with Ollie who likes to remind me of his dislike of the car seat constantly.
So when I realized I had a gyno appointment yesterday I thought I would be able to drop A and O off at the office (my old place of work) to either daddy or grandma, whom of which neither were there. I had to go to plan B. I didn't want to leave them with my aunt or sister since I knew they were busy and besides I don't feel like I am imposing when it is the kids dad or grandma, but I know my kids can be a huge pain in the rear so I do feel like I am imposing when it isn't someone who HAS to love them. Aunts love can quite possibly be less unconditional. Anyway I was scrambling since Oliver isn't in an infant seat anymore. Not after the airlines lost ours. We used Andi's old seat and he hates it less than the infant seat so even though we got our seat back, plus a $50 voucher, we are keeping him in the car seat. Only minus, I no longer have a "baby holder", I don't carry a stroller in the car with me since I only have room for Lily's wheelchair so I was thinking ok, baby on lap while legs in stirrups? Probably not. I start calling around, I call Allison, she lives by the Dr. She wasn't home BUT her hubby was and I could borrow her daughters infant seat! Score! I run by grab that seat, and pull up to the Dr.'s office.
I shamefully walk in. I just know people are saying, she is pregnant again? I want a shirt that says "I'm just here for a pap". It was 30 minutes after my scheduled apt and we are still in the waiting room. Oliver has had it and is hungry. I start to nurse him, and just like going to the bathroom while out to eat and your dinner comes, the nurse calls my name. I have to take him off my boob and boy that wasn't cool with him. So I have this screaming baby. Oh did I mention Andi starts telling me how she HAS TO POOP NOW! The nurse holds Oliver while I weigh myself. I cough out the number to her just so no one over hears that I am 4 months post partum and still have weight to loose. I get Andi to the bathroom, and she wasn't kidding, she really had to go. I get to my room. I put Ollie down in the infant seat while I get naked and he screams. The Dr. comes in. Ollie screams. I get into position. Ollie screams. It was fantabulous fun! The Dr. asks me what I am doing about birth control and I just point to my kids and say "that". Dr. laughs, asks "seriously", since you can tell he'd rather me not procreate ever again as well, I said daddy got taken care of so we're good. He said we need to make sure it took though and have his sperm tested. Ok, I promise, I will not walk into this office again carrying a baby in my tummy ever again. Scouts honor. The Dr. really was patient and awesome and he is really the reason I had Oliver. I just wanted to spend the next nine months bs'ing about life with him. Not really, but kind of. Let me know if you want a referal. He really is that good.
But let me just say that whole experience really taught me that, while no I can't poo alone, I can't be violated by my Dr. alone either. I had to look over at wide eyed Andi and say "this is only ok because he is a Dr."
Sigh....I need a massage....alone!
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Abuse
With in less than 5 minutes I heard on the news this AM about one woman who threw her two kids off a bridge, the 4 yr old boy did not survive, however his 7 year old sister did. I also heard about the woman who threw a 2 month old baby in a car seat, at a Wal-Mart employee when caught shoplifting.
It was 6:30am. I had already been up for an hour with Oliver, not to mention being up previously at 1:30am, and 3:30am. Andi had already came into my room at 5 to 6 am that morning and I was in a less than thrilled mood not wanting to think about the fact I had to get Oliver down so I could get Lily up, feed her, dress her, do her hair (ack!) and have her school ready, plus get myself ready, all the while telling Andi no we cannot go swimming at 7am, then getting in the car and get to Lily’s school by 7:30am for her IEP. Mood, not awesome. Andrew stayed back and put Lily on the bus and entertained the other two while I discussed the goals we will have for our daughter’s next school year. We talked about how her speech has really hit a plateau and they can’t give her more than 30 minutes a month. Of course unless she shows some great spikes in development in that area, then it will be revisited. I got to listen how they will work at hand over hand feeding and see if we tell her no sweets unless she feeds herself will help motivate her. I got to listen about all the equipment that is necessary to help my daughter work to her full capacity and I thought about the “mother” who threw her kids over a bridge. I can’t possibly imagine what could have been so wrong to throw your kids over a bridge. Now I may have suggested that Andi’s tantrums have made me imagine myself driving off a bridge, but of course I’m not being literal. To ever actually cause harm to my child. I can’t imagine.
I have spanked Andi. I am actually against spanking and vowed to never do so. Then I met Andi. Up until recently I had no idea how to manage her tantrums. I felt as out of control as she was and I spanked her. It did nothing but fuel the flame. We went back and forth, I used language that a child should never hear and again my control was gone. Time out? HA! It wasn’t until I heard a caller ask Dr. Laura what to do with her out of control preschooler and Dr. Laura said “ignore her” the mom said “that’s it?” “Yup” was all Dr. Laura said and I thought, it has to be worth a try. So the next tantrum, it wasn’t a long wait, I ignored Andi, totally and completely ignored her. She slammed her door maybe 5 times. She folded her arms across her chest and said “HUUUMMP” maybe 10 times. Stormed to her room and stayed there for awhile. Next thing I heard with sniffling and an “I’m sorry Mommy”. I honestly never said a word, not one. I am not wonder woman, I had to grit my teeth, I had to count to 10 and I had to think of rain on a spring day falling on a green lawn… I thought of the beach with the roaring waves and the bright sun tanning my 20 year old body, I thought of Zac Efron handing me a shot of tequila or 3, taking them off his rock hard… what? It’s my daydream! You get the point. I had to loose where I was and it was a miracle. That wasn’t the only time ignoring worked, it has helped on several occasions and again I thank Dr. Laura.
My point is parenting is hard. Parenting is heart breaking. I have a daughter that every skill she masters is written on an IEP. She has goals that were written years ago and have yet to been checked off. Not to mention the ones I have in my head. I also have a daughter who has tested my patience beyond anything I could ever imagine, whom I have a battle with every day. And a perfect little baby boy that we all know will be throwing toys at me too someday. Parenting is HARD and judging other moms is really an unnecessary evil. We are all different and will all deal differently with our kids and discipline.
But throwing your kids over a bridge? Using an infant as a weapon? Those are places my mind can’t even go to. There are teens giving birth and throwing their baby in the trash because they are afraid to get into trouble? These stories turn my insides out. They crush my heart and leave me wondering why there is no license for parenting.
So while I was frustrated, exhausted and not ready to start my day, I watched those news stories and held my baby tight in my arms and vowed no matter what kind of arguments we got into, no matter what tantrums I deal with, I would never throw any of my kids over a bridge. Not literally of course, but not in theory either. I won’t give up no matter how tempting it may be at times to get in a car and drive as far as I can. When we make the conscious decision to be a parent we give up a huge part of our lives. It isn’t instantaneous; actually it took me 2.5 kids into this parenting thing to really make some changes. But change has to come.
Parenting is a road of learning. I do think that I am getting better at it every day and I am making conscious efforts to do right by my kids and by my husband and will strive to continue.
I also vow to never get a puppy again. And I vow to not watch Jon and Kate plus 8, yes I slipped this weekend and I am sorry. But the weekend was long and man did they make that episode look so very watch able. But I was right and it totally wasn’t. That is an example of what I will not do. I so badly wanted to be famous. I spent my first 20 years hoping for it, but if it were at the cost of my family, well you’d have better luck hanging me by my finger nails to a tree.
Off soap box. Bet some of you wish I went back into seclusion.
It was 6:30am. I had already been up for an hour with Oliver, not to mention being up previously at 1:30am, and 3:30am. Andi had already came into my room at 5 to 6 am that morning and I was in a less than thrilled mood not wanting to think about the fact I had to get Oliver down so I could get Lily up, feed her, dress her, do her hair (ack!) and have her school ready, plus get myself ready, all the while telling Andi no we cannot go swimming at 7am, then getting in the car and get to Lily’s school by 7:30am for her IEP. Mood, not awesome. Andrew stayed back and put Lily on the bus and entertained the other two while I discussed the goals we will have for our daughter’s next school year. We talked about how her speech has really hit a plateau and they can’t give her more than 30 minutes a month. Of course unless she shows some great spikes in development in that area, then it will be revisited. I got to listen how they will work at hand over hand feeding and see if we tell her no sweets unless she feeds herself will help motivate her. I got to listen about all the equipment that is necessary to help my daughter work to her full capacity and I thought about the “mother” who threw her kids over a bridge. I can’t possibly imagine what could have been so wrong to throw your kids over a bridge. Now I may have suggested that Andi’s tantrums have made me imagine myself driving off a bridge, but of course I’m not being literal. To ever actually cause harm to my child. I can’t imagine.
I have spanked Andi. I am actually against spanking and vowed to never do so. Then I met Andi. Up until recently I had no idea how to manage her tantrums. I felt as out of control as she was and I spanked her. It did nothing but fuel the flame. We went back and forth, I used language that a child should never hear and again my control was gone. Time out? HA! It wasn’t until I heard a caller ask Dr. Laura what to do with her out of control preschooler and Dr. Laura said “ignore her” the mom said “that’s it?” “Yup” was all Dr. Laura said and I thought, it has to be worth a try. So the next tantrum, it wasn’t a long wait, I ignored Andi, totally and completely ignored her. She slammed her door maybe 5 times. She folded her arms across her chest and said “HUUUMMP” maybe 10 times. Stormed to her room and stayed there for awhile. Next thing I heard with sniffling and an “I’m sorry Mommy”. I honestly never said a word, not one. I am not wonder woman, I had to grit my teeth, I had to count to 10 and I had to think of rain on a spring day falling on a green lawn… I thought of the beach with the roaring waves and the bright sun tanning my 20 year old body, I thought of Zac Efron handing me a shot of tequila or 3, taking them off his rock hard… what? It’s my daydream! You get the point. I had to loose where I was and it was a miracle. That wasn’t the only time ignoring worked, it has helped on several occasions and again I thank Dr. Laura.
My point is parenting is hard. Parenting is heart breaking. I have a daughter that every skill she masters is written on an IEP. She has goals that were written years ago and have yet to been checked off. Not to mention the ones I have in my head. I also have a daughter who has tested my patience beyond anything I could ever imagine, whom I have a battle with every day. And a perfect little baby boy that we all know will be throwing toys at me too someday. Parenting is HARD and judging other moms is really an unnecessary evil. We are all different and will all deal differently with our kids and discipline.
But throwing your kids over a bridge? Using an infant as a weapon? Those are places my mind can’t even go to. There are teens giving birth and throwing their baby in the trash because they are afraid to get into trouble? These stories turn my insides out. They crush my heart and leave me wondering why there is no license for parenting.
So while I was frustrated, exhausted and not ready to start my day, I watched those news stories and held my baby tight in my arms and vowed no matter what kind of arguments we got into, no matter what tantrums I deal with, I would never throw any of my kids over a bridge. Not literally of course, but not in theory either. I won’t give up no matter how tempting it may be at times to get in a car and drive as far as I can. When we make the conscious decision to be a parent we give up a huge part of our lives. It isn’t instantaneous; actually it took me 2.5 kids into this parenting thing to really make some changes. But change has to come.
Parenting is a road of learning. I do think that I am getting better at it every day and I am making conscious efforts to do right by my kids and by my husband and will strive to continue.
I also vow to never get a puppy again. And I vow to not watch Jon and Kate plus 8, yes I slipped this weekend and I am sorry. But the weekend was long and man did they make that episode look so very watch able. But I was right and it totally wasn’t. That is an example of what I will not do. I so badly wanted to be famous. I spent my first 20 years hoping for it, but if it were at the cost of my family, well you’d have better luck hanging me by my finger nails to a tree.
Off soap box. Bet some of you wish I went back into seclusion.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Bye, bye, bye
Andrew took the girls up to Greer this weekend with my parents. When my mom came by to get the girls, they rode up with her, she asked Oliver what he would do without his sisters, as he was watching Andi, laughing. I said "he'll get to eat when he needs to, he'll be held more, get a bath...", my mom laughed.
I was serious.
I was serious.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
American Idol season 8 review right here
Most of you whom have been reading my blog for years now know that I am a big American Idol fan and have been watching/blogging about it since well… probably season 4. Well watching since day 1 season 1, back in 2002. But the whole blogging thing didn’t start to around season 4. I did it a lot of the previous blog that I had to shut down for a reason or nother. I know nother isn’t a word, ok. Chill red squiggly line.
Anyway, you may have noticed that I have said not one word about this season. But you probably have also noticed I have said not one word about a lot of things, seeing how this blog is my red headed step child. I should really rename it to that. But I digress…
I have wanted to talk about AI, but really the time escapes me. I am relishing today on the fact that it is near freezing this May afternoon at a brisk 85 degrees and cloudy so I have a reason to not spend an hour of my day in the pool with Andi. I know my life as a stay at home mom is really super hard and trying on my poor soul. But I actually get a minute to spend writing. And not just one liners on Facebook. Or Twitter. Geeze what are these words, what would I have thought of them if I had this blog in my hands 10 years ago. Blog, WTH is a blog?
Ok.. I just wanted to say that last night’s finale was AWESOME! I really mean it!
I loved the music! I loved the duet with Kris and hottie bo bottie Keith Urban. I loved Danny singing with Lionel Richie and can I just say that man looks AMAZING! How old is he now anyway? What a stud. Makes me feel like dancing on the ceiling… I don’t know, I do drugs. Not really, but it is funnier if I did.
I thought Randy looked adorable Tuesday night and Wednesday night. Some may have chuckled about his wardrobe but I found it rather foxy.
I have never liked Adam, not at all. I think it is b/c I have HD and he really looks kinda bad on HD. I know I shouldn’t judge, I am sure I would look pretty crappy on HD too and am thankful my modeling days were in the old days of cable. Or whatever, not HD.
But his make up is so make-up”y” you know? Ok I know it isn’t about that. He is a talented guy, but the screaming. And the tongue. Ugh. And I am even not really against the whole “guyliner” thing, actually one time at dinner at a fancy restaurant in Scottsdale our table sat across the drummer from Marilyn Manson and he had “guyliner” on and I couldn’t help but find him oddly attractive. Of course never more than my gorgeous husband, but it surprised me that I thought it looked good on that guy. Ok point, Kim? My point is make up on a guy isn’t that horrible, but let the “guyliner” be just that, we don’t need glitter as well do we? And Kiss? Yuck! It is hard to take Gene Simmons serious or not serious, whatever, after you see him a normal funny talking guy on TV. And aren’t those guys getting a little too old for all that silliness?
I liked Danny from the beginning and am surprised he didn’t take the whole thing, but I am not worried one bit about him. He will go on and do well. I find it very sweet that he continues to wear his wedding ring and that is great that he never spoke of his wife who passed to insure no pity votes. But he really did not need any sympathy votes, he can really sing.
Kris was my second favorite and I am glad he won. I was surprised by his humbleness and thought he should have had a little more faith in his self. He said Adam should have won…that was the time to finally feel validated, I mean 100 million votes! Seriously? You won a majority of almost 100 million votes. You’re good dude. Smile. Say yay.
I have to be honest though while watching “We are the Champions” I figured if I were watching the show for the first time not knowing who is who, I would expect Adam to win the thing by hearing him sing that song. He really blew me away with that song and to be totally honest even though he was not my favorite, I still thought he should have taken the crown, or statue, or whatever they were giving away this season.
I really truly enjoyed this finale. It was not my favorite season and I think it is because the girls were just so very awful this year. I mean I am pretty sure I could have sung better than Megan last night. I’m also pretty sure we won’t be seeing any of those girls again, well… except for Allison. But the rest, we may see, but it won’t be on a stage singing.
I will always love season 7, maybe has something to do with David Cook :) whom by the way…LOVED last night! But I also loved last season’s Idol Gives Back (where was that this year anyway?) and I still listen almost daily to the Top 10 singing Shout to the Lord. You don’t even have to like God to like that song. But I do actually like God so it is even cooler for me. It is the best collaboration of all the Idols songs ever. Well of course all this is said in my most humble opinion.
I think I will always have a soft spot for Idol season 1. I can clearly remember sitting on the couch holding my 2 week old daughter, Lily, with tears streaming down my face as Kelly sang “Moment like this” it sure didn’t move me like that when Justin sang it. I had a hard time at first with Lily bonding. I was so tired and had no idea being a mom would be so tough those first couple weeks, but holding her, hearing those words hit me like a ton of bricks and yeah that was a moment I had waited my lifetime for. Then a week later Lily started having seizures and her story started there, so yeah I guess that moment holding her watching AI will always be a poignant moment in my life.
But even if it wasn’t my favorite of seasons, it was my one of my favorite finales!
I don’t care what other say I love the Norman Sparkles or whatever his name is. I always laughed when he would sing and be silly and I enjoyed his little shtick last night.
Bikini girl and Cara… ugh. Cara bugs me and it annoys me that she did that last night. Some think it was funny, I found it a little desperate. I thought she was ridiculous to call the very annoying bikini girl a b back at the auditions, even if she deserved it, it still was very unprofessional. But I loved when Ryan said “I was going to ask you what was new, but I think I already know!” That was classic!
This is what happens when I have a few minutes of time on my hands. I purge. So much I want to say, so many run on sentences to write. Grammar kind of looses to getting it out in a matter of time. You know the whole quantity over quality.
So I would LOVE to hear all your comments on my comments and whatever you enjoyed about the show, the season. Whatever… purge along with me. That way I won’t feel so dirty.
Anyway, you may have noticed that I have said not one word about this season. But you probably have also noticed I have said not one word about a lot of things, seeing how this blog is my red headed step child. I should really rename it to that. But I digress…
I have wanted to talk about AI, but really the time escapes me. I am relishing today on the fact that it is near freezing this May afternoon at a brisk 85 degrees and cloudy so I have a reason to not spend an hour of my day in the pool with Andi. I know my life as a stay at home mom is really super hard and trying on my poor soul. But I actually get a minute to spend writing. And not just one liners on Facebook. Or Twitter. Geeze what are these words, what would I have thought of them if I had this blog in my hands 10 years ago. Blog, WTH is a blog?
Ok.. I just wanted to say that last night’s finale was AWESOME! I really mean it!
I loved the music! I loved the duet with Kris and hottie bo bottie Keith Urban. I loved Danny singing with Lionel Richie and can I just say that man looks AMAZING! How old is he now anyway? What a stud. Makes me feel like dancing on the ceiling… I don’t know, I do drugs. Not really, but it is funnier if I did.
I thought Randy looked adorable Tuesday night and Wednesday night. Some may have chuckled about his wardrobe but I found it rather foxy.
I have never liked Adam, not at all. I think it is b/c I have HD and he really looks kinda bad on HD. I know I shouldn’t judge, I am sure I would look pretty crappy on HD too and am thankful my modeling days were in the old days of cable. Or whatever, not HD.
But his make up is so make-up”y” you know? Ok I know it isn’t about that. He is a talented guy, but the screaming. And the tongue. Ugh. And I am even not really against the whole “guyliner” thing, actually one time at dinner at a fancy restaurant in Scottsdale our table sat across the drummer from Marilyn Manson and he had “guyliner” on and I couldn’t help but find him oddly attractive. Of course never more than my gorgeous husband, but it surprised me that I thought it looked good on that guy. Ok point, Kim? My point is make up on a guy isn’t that horrible, but let the “guyliner” be just that, we don’t need glitter as well do we? And Kiss? Yuck! It is hard to take Gene Simmons serious or not serious, whatever, after you see him a normal funny talking guy on TV. And aren’t those guys getting a little too old for all that silliness?
I liked Danny from the beginning and am surprised he didn’t take the whole thing, but I am not worried one bit about him. He will go on and do well. I find it very sweet that he continues to wear his wedding ring and that is great that he never spoke of his wife who passed to insure no pity votes. But he really did not need any sympathy votes, he can really sing.
Kris was my second favorite and I am glad he won. I was surprised by his humbleness and thought he should have had a little more faith in his self. He said Adam should have won…that was the time to finally feel validated, I mean 100 million votes! Seriously? You won a majority of almost 100 million votes. You’re good dude. Smile. Say yay.
I have to be honest though while watching “We are the Champions” I figured if I were watching the show for the first time not knowing who is who, I would expect Adam to win the thing by hearing him sing that song. He really blew me away with that song and to be totally honest even though he was not my favorite, I still thought he should have taken the crown, or statue, or whatever they were giving away this season.
I really truly enjoyed this finale. It was not my favorite season and I think it is because the girls were just so very awful this year. I mean I am pretty sure I could have sung better than Megan last night. I’m also pretty sure we won’t be seeing any of those girls again, well… except for Allison. But the rest, we may see, but it won’t be on a stage singing.
I will always love season 7, maybe has something to do with David Cook :) whom by the way…LOVED last night! But I also loved last season’s Idol Gives Back (where was that this year anyway?) and I still listen almost daily to the Top 10 singing Shout to the Lord. You don’t even have to like God to like that song. But I do actually like God so it is even cooler for me. It is the best collaboration of all the Idols songs ever. Well of course all this is said in my most humble opinion.
I think I will always have a soft spot for Idol season 1. I can clearly remember sitting on the couch holding my 2 week old daughter, Lily, with tears streaming down my face as Kelly sang “Moment like this” it sure didn’t move me like that when Justin sang it. I had a hard time at first with Lily bonding. I was so tired and had no idea being a mom would be so tough those first couple weeks, but holding her, hearing those words hit me like a ton of bricks and yeah that was a moment I had waited my lifetime for. Then a week later Lily started having seizures and her story started there, so yeah I guess that moment holding her watching AI will always be a poignant moment in my life.
But even if it wasn’t my favorite of seasons, it was my one of my favorite finales!
I don’t care what other say I love the Norman Sparkles or whatever his name is. I always laughed when he would sing and be silly and I enjoyed his little shtick last night.
Bikini girl and Cara… ugh. Cara bugs me and it annoys me that she did that last night. Some think it was funny, I found it a little desperate. I thought she was ridiculous to call the very annoying bikini girl a b back at the auditions, even if she deserved it, it still was very unprofessional. But I loved when Ryan said “I was going to ask you what was new, but I think I already know!” That was classic!
This is what happens when I have a few minutes of time on my hands. I purge. So much I want to say, so many run on sentences to write. Grammar kind of looses to getting it out in a matter of time. You know the whole quantity over quality.
So I would LOVE to hear all your comments on my comments and whatever you enjoyed about the show, the season. Whatever… purge along with me. That way I won’t feel so dirty.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Be A Star
As I grew up I had one dream that I knew would be hard to reach, but not impossible. I wanted to be on the cover of People magazine. When I was young I always saw super stars, amazing people, beautiful people gracing that cover. You had to be pretty special to make that cover. I thought I could have my wedding to Brad Pitt be covered and our first baby....what I didn't know was all I had to do is have a bunch of babies at one time. I mean the $10k to get invitro is merely an investment that will be paid back plus when I have the TV show, the book deals, and of course reaching my lifetime goal, People Magazine cover.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Break up?
It's not you, it's me. You're great, really, I just. Well, it's hard to say. I'm just not "feeling" it lately. I'm sorry.
All kidding aside, holy crap this 3rd kid has done me in and all my blogging! I do my best to keep up with Lily's site and this one, well it's the red headed step child. My apologies to all the red headed step children out there.
Being a stay at home mom to three kids is wowza. And one is in school. I can't wait to see what awaits me this summer. If the baby is sleeping I may actually shower and shave. Other times I clean instead. The house. I'm trying to keep up with the house work and myself, but damn if it ain't hard!
Now that it is a million degrees outside I have Andi begging to go swimming from 7am 0n. Seriously 7am. So if I get the baby down it is a choice between cleaning, showering or swimming.
Swimming usually wins, now if I could just shave and shampoo in the pool I would at least kill two birds. My apologies to the birds, bad analogy.
I like how I am apologizing considering I doubt anyone reads this thing anymore, which brings me to two choices. Take a break, make it public and not worry about it in the middle of the night when I really should be sleeping considering I am still only getting 3-4 hour stretches at a time. Or just come on here when I feel the need to purge. Like I could have Mother's Day. Andrew had knee surgery and was laid up. Totally not his fault. He did what he could, but it was pretty big surgery. So I had to take care of him, plus a special needs 6 year old who decided to have a spider bite on. her. eye! Her eye swelled up like a balloon! It was so scary. I also have a needy 3 month old, of course. And the only other human being in my home that can actually do something for herself really would rather me do it all, all the while being attached to my hip and needing surgical removal.
Sigh.
Yeah I'll keep this up just so I can do that.
All kidding aside, holy crap this 3rd kid has done me in and all my blogging! I do my best to keep up with Lily's site and this one, well it's the red headed step child. My apologies to all the red headed step children out there.
Being a stay at home mom to three kids is wowza. And one is in school. I can't wait to see what awaits me this summer. If the baby is sleeping I may actually shower and shave. Other times I clean instead. The house. I'm trying to keep up with the house work and myself, but damn if it ain't hard!
Now that it is a million degrees outside I have Andi begging to go swimming from 7am 0n. Seriously 7am. So if I get the baby down it is a choice between cleaning, showering or swimming.
Swimming usually wins, now if I could just shave and shampoo in the pool I would at least kill two birds. My apologies to the birds, bad analogy.
I like how I am apologizing considering I doubt anyone reads this thing anymore, which brings me to two choices. Take a break, make it public and not worry about it in the middle of the night when I really should be sleeping considering I am still only getting 3-4 hour stretches at a time. Or just come on here when I feel the need to purge. Like I could have Mother's Day. Andrew had knee surgery and was laid up. Totally not his fault. He did what he could, but it was pretty big surgery. So I had to take care of him, plus a special needs 6 year old who decided to have a spider bite on. her. eye! Her eye swelled up like a balloon! It was so scary. I also have a needy 3 month old, of course. And the only other human being in my home that can actually do something for herself really would rather me do it all, all the while being attached to my hip and needing surgical removal.
Sigh.
Yeah I'll keep this up just so I can do that.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Super Powers
I thought maybe I'd break out the old laptop while baby is sleeping, Lily was just fed and Andi is watching my cartoon crush, Handy Manny. He took Aladin's place.
We went to South Dakota Monday and came home late Tuesday. I have the full details on Lily's blog so I won't go thru all that again. I will share with you all the cliff notes.
My faith in humanity was not restored. Getting on the plan Andrew told me not to stress because "not all people are a-holes". Well as a matter of fact, yes for the most part, they are. At least the two "gentlemen" we asked to trade seats with were. It just shows that being a realist and Andrew being an optimist, I have a more accurate look on the world than my dear sweet husband. But bless his heart for thinking the way he does.
Oliver ended up being an angel on our flight to Denver, which our seat mates didn't deserve, but he was. Then we had to fly to Sioux Falls and in our transit from one plane to the other I lost my flower. I know sounds a lot more sexy than it was. My shoe. My shoes my mom let me borrow, Taryn Rose shoes. Black flats with a cute flower on them. One flower fell off. No where to be found. So I was walking around looking rather silly.
Once we make it to the funeral home, heart break hits. We see the devastation that is called cancer. Hundreds flooded the funeral home to pay respect to a selfless woman.
We got to talk with family we hadn't seen in years. It was good to hug Andrew's uncle. In fact hug him several times. I wish my hug could erase pain, but it didn't. Someone should give me that superhero quality. Maybe I'd hug more often.
It was a tough trip and it was a fast trip. I don't ever want to travel with a 10 week old ever again. I guess I never will. Oliver will never be 10 weeks again and my husband is doing the selfless act of getting his nuts cut and we will never have a 10 week old ever again.
Did I mention when we got home we arrived in a different terminal, then we finally got our car we ran out of gas on the over pass and coasted into the off ramp. My dad was our knight and shining armour and Andrew and I didn't speak to each other for about 12 more hours.
Ahh such is life. Oh and did I mention our dog, Hailey, the old one, is having seizures? Yeah you know I was thinking to myself the other day, what can I add to my life list. Special needs child that requires nursing and heavy duty meds, check. A ornery 4 year old who refuses to nap and sucks every bit of energy out of me, check. A newborn who is only calm when held, cries in the car seat and refuses to relax in a swing, check. Hey how about a 12 year old dog who has arthritis and now seizures, check.
Sweet!
We went to South Dakota Monday and came home late Tuesday. I have the full details on Lily's blog so I won't go thru all that again. I will share with you all the cliff notes.
My faith in humanity was not restored. Getting on the plan Andrew told me not to stress because "not all people are a-holes". Well as a matter of fact, yes for the most part, they are. At least the two "gentlemen" we asked to trade seats with were. It just shows that being a realist and Andrew being an optimist, I have a more accurate look on the world than my dear sweet husband. But bless his heart for thinking the way he does.
Oliver ended up being an angel on our flight to Denver, which our seat mates didn't deserve, but he was. Then we had to fly to Sioux Falls and in our transit from one plane to the other I lost my flower. I know sounds a lot more sexy than it was. My shoe. My shoes my mom let me borrow, Taryn Rose shoes. Black flats with a cute flower on them. One flower fell off. No where to be found. So I was walking around looking rather silly.
Once we make it to the funeral home, heart break hits. We see the devastation that is called cancer. Hundreds flooded the funeral home to pay respect to a selfless woman.
We got to talk with family we hadn't seen in years. It was good to hug Andrew's uncle. In fact hug him several times. I wish my hug could erase pain, but it didn't. Someone should give me that superhero quality. Maybe I'd hug more often.
It was a tough trip and it was a fast trip. I don't ever want to travel with a 10 week old ever again. I guess I never will. Oliver will never be 10 weeks again and my husband is doing the selfless act of getting his nuts cut and we will never have a 10 week old ever again.
Did I mention when we got home we arrived in a different terminal, then we finally got our car we ran out of gas on the over pass and coasted into the off ramp. My dad was our knight and shining armour and Andrew and I didn't speak to each other for about 12 more hours.
Ahh such is life. Oh and did I mention our dog, Hailey, the old one, is having seizures? Yeah you know I was thinking to myself the other day, what can I add to my life list. Special needs child that requires nursing and heavy duty meds, check. A ornery 4 year old who refuses to nap and sucks every bit of energy out of me, check. A newborn who is only calm when held, cries in the car seat and refuses to relax in a swing, check. Hey how about a 12 year old dog who has arthritis and now seizures, check.
Sweet!
Friday, April 10, 2009
The Call
If you've been around long enough you have experienced, the call.
It tends to be late at night or comes with the early morning dew. It can be expected or not. You hear the ring, you wake up and you say to yourself, no. Your stomach drops, your heart skips a beat and your mouth feels like it's been stuffed with cotton. You take a breath and you answer, the words pierce you like knives. "They are gone". You fumble with your words. You say what? when? seriously?... and to yourself why? You thank the caller whom all you want to do is reach through the phone and grab them, hug them, and say I am so sorry, but you don't. You say thanks and hang up. You sit there for a few minutes before the tears can catch up. You wake up your spouse and repeat what you just heard. "They are gone" and once those words escape your lips is when that lump goes to your throat, your chin trembles and the tears flow.
Your memories shoot back to the good times. Not to the cancer that destroyed a vibrant woman, you think of Mexico. Watching her laugh. Watching her parasail. Watch her as a mother, as a wife. You think of her and all she did for your family while you didn't think much of it. You think that there has never been a holiday that went by without a handmade card from her. How she spent so much time on those quilts for the girls Christmas 2007. You think of how life can be so unfair.
You stumble back to a light sleep and dream. Dream. Dream.
It wasn't my cell phone that rang, it wasn't my ears pierced with those words, it was Andrew. Unfortunately I have gotten two of those phone calls and know what my husband felt and my heart broke for his loss. Most of all my heart broke for his uncle and cousin. It was Andrew's aunt we lost and with that loss took a loving wife and mother and way too early. Her family had to watch this disgusting awful cancer take her away so slowly and I can't imagine their pain.
She was such an amazing,incredible woman whom we will all miss with a passion.
We will be heading to South Dakota next week to attend her services and be with family.
It tends to be late at night or comes with the early morning dew. It can be expected or not. You hear the ring, you wake up and you say to yourself, no. Your stomach drops, your heart skips a beat and your mouth feels like it's been stuffed with cotton. You take a breath and you answer, the words pierce you like knives. "They are gone". You fumble with your words. You say what? when? seriously?... and to yourself why? You thank the caller whom all you want to do is reach through the phone and grab them, hug them, and say I am so sorry, but you don't. You say thanks and hang up. You sit there for a few minutes before the tears can catch up. You wake up your spouse and repeat what you just heard. "They are gone" and once those words escape your lips is when that lump goes to your throat, your chin trembles and the tears flow.
Your memories shoot back to the good times. Not to the cancer that destroyed a vibrant woman, you think of Mexico. Watching her laugh. Watching her parasail. Watch her as a mother, as a wife. You think of her and all she did for your family while you didn't think much of it. You think that there has never been a holiday that went by without a handmade card from her. How she spent so much time on those quilts for the girls Christmas 2007. You think of how life can be so unfair.
You stumble back to a light sleep and dream. Dream. Dream.
It wasn't my cell phone that rang, it wasn't my ears pierced with those words, it was Andrew. Unfortunately I have gotten two of those phone calls and know what my husband felt and my heart broke for his loss. Most of all my heart broke for his uncle and cousin. It was Andrew's aunt we lost and with that loss took a loving wife and mother and way too early. Her family had to watch this disgusting awful cancer take her away so slowly and I can't imagine their pain.
She was such an amazing,incredible woman whom we will all miss with a passion.
We will be heading to South Dakota next week to attend her services and be with family.
Thursday, April 02, 2009
Spunky Andi
Why do I need to think of something to say when I can just repeat what my 4 year old says...
Andi had a shirt on with a word on the back
Andi: This shirt says barbie dot com
Mom: No it doesn't
Andi: What does it say then?
Mom: Guess (as in the brand)
Andi: See I told you it said barbie dot com
Andi: Mommy
Mom: Yes
Andi: On my birthday when I turn 5 can it be a surprise party?
Mom: Sure
For financial reasons we had to pull Andi out of pre k so these are the conversations we have all. day. long.
Andi had a shirt on with a word on the back
Andi: This shirt says barbie dot com
Mom: No it doesn't
Andi: What does it say then?
Mom: Guess (as in the brand)
Andi: See I told you it said barbie dot com
Andi: Mommy
Mom: Yes
Andi: On my birthday when I turn 5 can it be a surprise party?
Mom: Sure
For financial reasons we had to pull Andi out of pre k so these are the conversations we have all. day. long.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Blame it on Dr. Laura
So I started listening to Dr. Laura several months ago, probably about 6 months. Believe me it took me a long time to like her. I used to listen to her in my 20's and hated her. I wasn't living the best life I could so of course I didn't like her. But as I matured and realized what she was saying I listened and put her words into action and my life changed. My marriage went from constant small battles to peace. I was more patient with the kids and the biggest thing that I wanted to follow yet couldn't was be "my kids mom" (stay at home mom). I was so conflicted with the thoughts of wanting to be home with my kids (I was pregnant with Oliver at the time) but needing that second income. The more I listened the more I knew this is something I had to do. The only reason we needed that second income is we got ourselves in stupid debt but thanks to a crappy year we got a nice income tax return and since my employer is cancelling our 401k I am withdrawing that money and now have enough money to get out of that debt. Now although I am still employed, I handed over my old position (payroll/HR) and now am doing light work that is done easily at home. Andrew may be in a position to make more money leaving us in an alright place with my much less income. It seems like the planets aligned so being at home is where I am meant to be and it has been nice....but I am getting a little stir crazy and thinking I will be doing this for 5 years is a little scary. I am used to adult interaction (ok I get a little with facebook, but I can't eat lunch with people on there!) and I guess I thought we'd be able to do things out of the house, but that is not really happening with this baby. I cannot believe I got Andi incarnate and it is really wearing on me. I thought when I was pregnant, this baby has to be chill. He has to be. NO baby could ever be like Andi (for those of you not around when she was a baby, well she was like she is now, just a lot smaller) and he is JUST LIKE HER! Screams, and I mean screams, in the car seat everywhere we go. Everywhere. Hates the swing. Hates the bouncy seat. Loves my boobs. Only difference is I can actually lie him down for naps and I have him in the crib, Andi slept with us until she was 3. But since I am determined to have him in the crib I am going into his room still up to three times a night leaving me exhausted and short with Andi the next day and some times I wonder if I can handle having her home with me all day every day for the next year and 4 months, not really counting the days until kindergarten...
I think this is stemming from a short trip to Michael's that ended up disastrous with a screaming baby and everyone looking at me like I was a murderer. I just wanted to get a craft for my daughter so she can do something at home instead of watching TV and making messes in her room. Not to mention her pretending to have a baby in her room for hours on end....sigh.
I just am feeling overwhelmed and think what would I be doing if I were at work?
I am hoping I am not the only person who has decided to be a stay at home mom and took some time to adjust. I know summer is soon and we can spend time at the pool when Oliver is sleeping and Lily has fun summer school for 3 weeks, not to mention the whole week of VBS at church for Andi :)
I guess I thought I would be able to do things with Andi, clean the house all the while the baby calmly hangs out in the swing and life would be dandy, but it really isn't like that. I have to hold him when he is awake and that makes chores harder. I do sling him and that is fine, but hurts my shoulder after awhile (my shoulder thing isn't new, it is a mess).
Wow, complain complain.
I guess this should be a place to humor myself and not complain.
By the way at 1am last night during feeding #1, I thought up an amazing kids book that I know would fly off the shelves, anyone know how to get that started? Seriously. totally cute!
I think this is stemming from a short trip to Michael's that ended up disastrous with a screaming baby and everyone looking at me like I was a murderer. I just wanted to get a craft for my daughter so she can do something at home instead of watching TV and making messes in her room. Not to mention her pretending to have a baby in her room for hours on end....sigh.
I just am feeling overwhelmed and think what would I be doing if I were at work?
I am hoping I am not the only person who has decided to be a stay at home mom and took some time to adjust. I know summer is soon and we can spend time at the pool when Oliver is sleeping and Lily has fun summer school for 3 weeks, not to mention the whole week of VBS at church for Andi :)
I guess I thought I would be able to do things with Andi, clean the house all the while the baby calmly hangs out in the swing and life would be dandy, but it really isn't like that. I have to hold him when he is awake and that makes chores harder. I do sling him and that is fine, but hurts my shoulder after awhile (my shoulder thing isn't new, it is a mess).
Wow, complain complain.
I guess this should be a place to humor myself and not complain.
By the way at 1am last night during feeding #1, I thought up an amazing kids book that I know would fly off the shelves, anyone know how to get that started? Seriously. totally cute!
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
I'm a mom
It's Andi's 4th birthday today and she has been attending a spring break camp at her gymnastics gym, I sent her with 2 dozen cupcakes in tupperware to celebrate. I felt a bit panicky about not getting my tupperware back and decided to write our name on them. Then I realized, I am totally a mom. It didn't take me having 3 kids to realize it, it just took some tupperware.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Support
Here is a link of a fellow reader who is asking for votes for her dream to be fulfilled. It sounds like an awesome dream and I would like to do what I can to help.
Go to her blog if you'd like and read all about it:
The Bossy Yankee
Go to her blog if you'd like and read all about it:
The Bossy Yankee
Thursday, March 12, 2009
"It's better to have love and lost.."
Whomever said that crap is full of it! I had my blackberry since Sept. I got all my emails on it, texting was easy as pie and I got the game brickbreaker. I hadn't lost an Ebay auction since I got that phone! Well due to "hard times" I had my blackberry revoked. Taken away. Gone. Bye Bye Bye.
Had I never known the wonders of IMing my friends. Facebook notices. Brickbreaker (have I mentioned that?). I would have never known what I was loosing. But I know.
I have to text old school now. I have to log on to my computer for my emails. What is that all about? And I lost two nursing Mamajama tanks off Ebay yesterday. Sigh.
Now I know how MC Hammer felt.
Had I never known the wonders of IMing my friends. Facebook notices. Brickbreaker (have I mentioned that?). I would have never known what I was loosing. But I know.
I have to text old school now. I have to log on to my computer for my emails. What is that all about? And I lost two nursing Mamajama tanks off Ebay yesterday. Sigh.
Now I know how MC Hammer felt.
Monday, March 09, 2009
Convos While Milking
Little guy is latched on, drinking away, outside the loud roar of the lawn mower goes and his big blue eyes widen and he looks at me for the answers.
"That is a lawn mower, don't worry, you'll only hear that a couple times a year, it isn't something daddy does often."
I'm trying to get back in the game folks, give me time, it's been crazy. Hormones.
"That is a lawn mower, don't worry, you'll only hear that a couple times a year, it isn't something daddy does often."
I'm trying to get back in the game folks, give me time, it's been crazy. Hormones.
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
It's been rough
I haven't been posting much since things have been too crazy...please go to Lily's blog to see what is happening now...
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