Where do I begin?

May I start with a loud, large sigh? SIIIIGGGGHHHHHHH........ I am tired. I am butt ass tired. Is that an expression? I am tired physically, emotionally and what other way can you be tired? Spiritually? Ok, add that too.

I really don't know what is wrong with me, I am so down. I swear I am manic. Just Sunday I was jumping up and down singing with the Grammy's and yesterday I was in the bathroom at the hospital choking back tears. Just take off my panties and call me Brittany.

Maybe I am tired because getting up with the puppy nightly is weighing in on me. Maybe it is because Andi didn't nap and she slept from 5:45pm to 4:45am and I was up with her. Maybe it is because I gave up Coke for lent, no not that coke.... the kind you snort. Maybe it is because this damn IUD is making me hemorrhage monthly and I am anemic. Maybe it is because I am having a pity party for myself.

Maybe, Maybe, Maybe.

I needed a urine sample for Lily yesterday before we went to our appointment at the hospital to start this study; finally, I mean really start it with the meds.

You get a urine sample from a 5 year old, 47 lb kid who wears diapers. I couldn't get one at home. She peed all over and around the bag they gave me. I sat her on the little potty an hour the night before and an hour the morning of our appointment. She would not go on it. I got up to grab something and she had a drop seizure and fell off the toilet, she was so sad. I was sad. I put her back on the potty and prayed, "God please, just please let her pee, just a little, please” but no pee. We were running late, so I figured just go and hope they can get it. They wouldn't. I had to. She had to have her blood drawn, an ECG and they told me to sit with her on the potty for 20 minutes and we did. I ran the water; I stroked her hair trying to relax her. I told her repeatedly to go potty. She had no idea what I was saying. I was once again praying, "Please God, just a little pee, PLEASE!" Never any pee. She pees the minute I put her diaper on and I start to cry. I wipe my eyes come out and shake my head. Nope. No pee. Another ECG and they give us 2 hours to get lunch and get pee and take it to the lab. I get another bag and try to put it on right. Putting my 47 lb, 47" daughter on a diaper changer for infants. Then we go sit in the cafeteria. I try to get a tray of food and push her in a busy cafeteria. Not easy. We sit down. I feed her.
I watch an older woman walking with a cane while trying to push her adult mentally and physically challenged son in his wheelchair and I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach. Am I looking at my future? Next I look over at a couple of women huddled together crying, and I quickly look away as I think, I know what they are feeling. I was overwhelmed with sadness. I started having flashbacks of sitting in that cafeteria 3 years ago. I was pregnant and just handed my 2 year old over to let them cut her brain in half. I sat there toying with my food, staring at my food, swallowing the lump in my throat, because I don't cry in public. That date comes and goes and I ignore it. It was one of those days in your life that if you try hard enough you can almost wish it away. Almost. But yesterday sitting there spoon feeding Lily in that very cafeteria in the hospital I handed her over not knowing if I would ever see her alive again, it came back. I washed my thoughts away, fed her quickly and we went outside. We went outside and I pretended the people in scrubs sitting outside eating were Meredith, Izzy and George. I pretended what their conversations were because if I listened to my thoughts I would have broken down. We go to the bathroom and guess who peed, not in the bag? Lily. I know it isn't her fault, but c'mon, seriously? Still no pee sample. So I gave up. I told the lady that I will just bring it in on Thursday. I don't know how I will get it, but I will figure it out. It isn't a skip away either, so this was overly frustrating. I think I just have too much on my plate and it overwhelms me at times. I usually skate though our busy days, but yesterday I was overwhelmed. Probably because I was tired, probably because I was feeling sorry for myself, probably because sometimes life sucks. Most moms of 5 year olds can get a urine sample. Most parents of 5 year olds don't have kids in diapers. I know some do. I know I am not the only person dealing with these struggles, but sometimes I can't be tough. Some days I want to scream. Some days I just want to lock the door and cry in the bathroom at a hospital.
But today is a new day.
Unfortunately I am still crabby. Just ask Andrew who called and asked what I wanted for Valentines Day. I ripped him a new one because I already told him not to waste money, we don't have it right now to waste on chocolate and flowers. I said I told you I want to get some lunch and a card! Oops, I know he meant well, but don't ask me what I want for Valentines Day, if you want to get me something just do it, it isn't my damn birthday, I don't have a valentines day wish list.... please.
Oops. Well tomorrow is a new day.


*Side note*

I have been bugging my bff (snicker) "Kibberts" to make her own blog. She is an English teacher, she is an amazing writer, with an even more amazing story to tell and she finally picked her lazy ass up and did it. You have to check it out, she is fabulous!! I am so excited to share her with you all, but you can't have her. She is my bff.