So I was awoken very early Monday morning by Lily and after cuddling her back to sleep there I was awake. Very awake and the thoughts starting racing through. And who comes to visit? The big bully, Mr. Regret.
Mr. Regret only visits when I can't fight back. When I am down and tired. He is relentless and puts up a big fight.
We went back in time and I had to relive all those choices I made. Early Monday morning he wanted to show me how many mistakes I made in my career. He wanted to show me how dumb I was to have chosen my first boyfriend over New York City at 16. And he wanted to show me choosing boyfriend #2 over Milan. Oh and also about the not even boyfriend, but guy that called me from time to time, that I decided to not to to LA for. He told me over and over again what I could have been and what I am now.
Now I know everyone says look at what you have now, Kim. A great husband, two amazing kids, yes I know this. I tell myself this every day. But Mr. Regret doesn't come at a time that I am able to reason with him. He just puts me down and makes me see the error of my way. So much that I agree with him.
By the end of his visit I was certain to call up my old agent and see if I can't just get back on her wall and just do a little something from time to time. I was certain this was the right thing that I needed to do.
Then the sun came up and I thought to myself, what are you crazy? You already miss out on enough mommy time with both your jobs now. There is no way on God's green earth am I going to sacrifice more of that special time. Then I get out of bed and take Lily out of bed. I hug her and tell her I love her. I smell her hair and think to myself, no magazine cover could ever replace the smell of that hair. Then I peak in on Andi as I hear her in her crib singing "Happy Birthday to You" to no one in particular. I pick her up and hug her hard and think, no runway will ever spark a spot in my heart that I never knew existed, the spot that sometimes you think will explode if you don't take a moment to breathe.
So no Mr. Regret you didn't get me.
I could sit and mope and agree with you but I won't. Not today and not tomorrow.
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3 comments:
There is a say in France that goes something like that "It's better to have regrets than to have remorses". Even though I get visits from Mr. Regret at times too, I wouldn't trade what I have now for the unknowned of what could have been. Because really the grass isn't greener on the other side...((HUGS)) and good for you!!!
And here I thought you were feeling regretful because Lily's surgery was 2 years ago. I'm a fatalist, and I believe things happen for a reason. Hang in there!
And here I thought you were feeling regretful because Lily's surgery was 2 years ago. I'm a fatalist, and I believe things happen for a reason. Hang in there!
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