Purge ** In a Funk

So I admit I have been in a bit of a funk. Stuck in our room for three days was really depressing. Then add the nasty colds Lily and I took home and waalaa…crappy.
I sometimes really annoy myself. I am pretty sure we could have found something to do, but I just got in a funk there and that was it.
Flying home was a little more difficult than going. The flight was late; our luggage was late, etc. I was happy to see Andrew and Andi when we got off the plane. He told me he was waiting at the stage and go, so that was fun to see them waiting by security, surprising even! But we were sick. All I wanted was to go home and sleep. I did. Then yesterday I felt awful. I threw up twice and my nose was running, I was coughing and it was 110 degrees. I just was again, in a funk.
I was a crab most of the day and never got to nap because Andi is sick too and every time she would sleep lying down she’d wake up in a cough fit. I think that kid has some respitory issues. The only way she could sleep was upright so I held her while rocking in our lazy boy. I did get to bed around 9pm, but not before I screamed at Andi. I felt really bad about it and apologized this morning, but I hate that I let my not feeling well take over my emotions. I can usually handle frustration usually ok, but I freaked on her, just screamed. I hate that. She said “you were rude to me last night” and I said “I know, remember I said I was sorry” she hugged me and said it was ok.
But I was up at 3am and couldn’t go back to sleep. I am feeling overwhelmed, sick and scared. Not to mention I have a tough day coming up tomorrow and I just think it is all getting to me. I am going to a baby shower for 2 cousins (sisters) that are both due soon at 11am and then off to a funeral for a newborn at 4pm. And then from there I will meet Andrew and the kids at a birthday party for one of my best friend’s son. It is smile, ooh and ahh, break, cry and try to be the friend that my friend needs and then smile and pretend all is ok. It is going to be a tough day. Thank God I have nursery this Sunday at church. There is nothing like spending an hour with little babies. They really make your day a whole lot better, but saying that makes me want to cry for my friend.
Lily and I are home today. She has no summer school on Fridays but I wouldn’t send her with the faucet of a nose she has right now anyway, but I figured I planned on being off in Utah anyway, so I sent Andi to school with Daddy and Lily and I are hanging out. I think she and we will head out to the pool. We need some sun and some forgetting about life right now. Well she is good at that, me, not so much.
Another thing on my mind is this baby slowly, but surely growing in my belly. Well let’s pray that is the case. I go on Monday for an u/s and my first prenatal appointment. It is so funny how I blog about being pregnant, yet I haven’t told anyone at work, church or extended family. I am waiting for my u/s to say all is going well. Proves how no one really reads this thing, at least people I actually know in real life. I can’t tell my friend about it yet. I just can’t. But at 3 am I couldn’t help but worry. I know how badly I want this baby. I can’t wait to watch my belly grow and see him or her move inside me. That is my favorite part of pregnancy. I can sit and watch my belly move and groove for hours and it will be even more exciting to see Andi see that happen. But fear struck me early this morning. I want to be happy and I know everyone worries, but I can’t get something out of my head. When Lily was little I got involved in a program that is local here that sets experienced parents up with new parents of similar situations. I remember talking to this woman on the phone and she sounded frustrated, tried and not really in a motivating mood. She told me she had three boys. Her first had some severe syndrome; her second was neuro typical and her third had that syndrome as well. She told me she would have never had that third child. I couldn’t help but keep that conversation in the back of my head since it happened and as much as I want to ignore it, it popped up last night when I couldn’t sleep. I want to go into this positive, I plan on it, but I need help. I need some positive enforcement and if I ever pop on just to do some daily affirmations ignore me, and just know you are helping me.
The ultra sound will show a little blob with a beating heart. Every 4 weeks I will hear a strong heartbeat. At 20 weeks we will see nothing wrong with the baby, just that it is a boy or girl. At 39 weeks I will have a c-section and I will have a baby that is healthy, of course gorgeous and hey for good measure….sleeps through the night by 2 weeks old.
Sorry I am so wordy, I haven’t written in awhile and I needed to purge. It is a lot of complaining and I am sorry again about that, but hey no one is forcing you to read, right?
I’ll be back, I will even bring some humor next week, I hope. It is about time.